dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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