I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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