If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
