is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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