if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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