After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
