Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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