Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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