We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
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