i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
