It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
