I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
