Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
