Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
