OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
