meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
