I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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