I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Your cock deserves a montage
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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