I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
