The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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