A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
