u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
