Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
