Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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