He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
