I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
