It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
