if only i could text you this smell
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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