He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
