Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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