I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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