Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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