Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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