WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
