I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
