He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
