yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
