Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
