Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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