Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
