I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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