ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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