There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
