my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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