remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
