Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
