why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
