How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
