Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
