Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
